When I tell people that I’m practicing abstinence, they respond with the most thunderstruck facial expressions. Then, comes the follow-up question where people begin to inquire about my liking of sex. Now, if you really know me, you know that I love sex. I, in fact, love all things dealing with sexuality so much that I am pursuing a sex therapy certification. I always push for others to be their best sexual selves, just as long as whatever they’re doing has a healthy boundary with safety. I love sex for myself just as much as I love it for other people. Life is about experimenting right? I believe sexuality should fall into the bracket of experimentation. How else will you learn what you love, and not just like, if you don’t experiment?
Funny to think about it, but this month actually makes three years that I have been abstinent. I started this journey off with the goal in mind to not re-engage in sex until after I’m married. To be completely honest, my sex drive is as alive as the smooth sounds of Marvin Gay’s “Sexual Healing.” I decided roughly three years ago to give up sex because I was always left craving something deeper. After engaging in sex, I still craved love, a connection deeper than momentary satisfaction that sex gave me. My body was craving for attention, and the times that I could not have it, I used sex as a tool to bring me closer to what I wanted. To no surprise, this left countless disappointments. I remember when I was younger I felt that I had to have sex with a man in order to keep him around or to satisfy him. From that, I learned that the power of my own sexuality should not be left in the hands of others.
I remember a few of my friends telling me, no one is going to want you if you don’t give it up. Wrong, y’all keep letting these niggas tell you that! There are plenty of men out there that, yes love sex as much as I do, but will wait until I am ready to engage with them on the deeper level. A relationship in my eyes is not based on whether or not I obtain sex from someone. And yes, I do believe that sex is an important part of a relationship but I feel that it is to fit into the overall umbrella of what makes a good and healthy relationship.
I often hear questions like, Should sex make or break a relationship? If the sex is not good, would you break up with that person? What if you have sex with them and it’s not good? To be completely honest, I believe each of these questions is situational and varies from person to person. I, and others that I have spoken with, have talked about sex when there are deeper feelings involved. For instance, having what someone else may call mediocre sex in regard to their sexual pleasures, while you and your partner feel like it is the most passionate and desirable sex you two have ever had. The reason for this passion and desire is due to what is bubbling and fizzing over under what lies beneath. Love, intimacy, and all that other non-surface level jazz that really drives two people wild. You know, the kind of thing that you read about in a novel. Sure, some of you may say that I am a hopeless romantic, which I am, while others will agree and understand that I am only creating what it is that I want for my life. I believe that everyone should go after what they want, acknowledging that sacrifices often come when one is working to obtain a goal.
I gave up sex for myself! The goal was to redefine myself and really get to know my wants and needs so that I would be able to openly express those wants and needs to my future partner. Overall, I can tell you this. I have learned so much about myself through this experience, as well as how to better maneuver through the dating world. Dating without sex involves a different level of vulnerability, feeling and emotion sharing, and processing. It involves two people listening to each other fully while listening to themselves because at the end of the day there is no confusion on whether you like the person or you just like their sex.
Giving up sex forced me to not only learn about the insecurities I have with my body but with how to deal with them and love them fully. I learned that the power of my sexuality belongs in my own hands and my hands alone. I am the true owner of my sexuality! I own this vessel, my temple, and it is mine to care for! I learned that when I am ready to give myself to someone, then they shall acquire the touch of gold, for that’s how I view myself. I am gold! This sacred gift is mine to share with who I choose. I am more than a mere plaything and way more than someone’s temporary fix, feening on my body like a drug addict. When you touch me you are not only touching someone that is madly in love with themselves, you’re also touching someone that knows how to romance themself with self-intimacy. I worked damn hard to get to where I am and I’ll be damned if I let a man tear down this temple that I worked so hard to build!
So yes, I believe that abstinence will bring to fruition what I want from someone else. I’m manifesting my wants and needs by offering up something that I love for sacrifice. Has it been easy, fuck no! After all, I am a very sexual being. Hell, I think about sex just as much as the next person. Do do you know how hard it is to be a gay man, surrounded by constant reminders of sexuality? However, as I said, I know how to love and romance myself. What I’m looking for is someone who will know how to love and romance me, adding to what I already know how to do. Self-love has been the best love I have ever known. I’m looking for someone to match the passion that I have for= myself. Oh yea, happy masturbation month and cheers to it finally being my birthday month!