It’s you, it’s always been you…

Normally I keep these type of thoughts in my notes on my phone, however, simultaneously, I am a believer that the best way to address your feelings and emotions is to let them out. My brother pointed out to me that I have been talking about you for almost 10 years, as he and my sister encouraged me to finally tell you how I feel. I was doubtful and afraid but then I said to myself, what do I have to lose? So boom, here I am, and what better way to express my feelings and emotions than the best way I know to, written word.

It’s fascinating how being on quarantine allows you the opportunity to slow down and sit while reflecting back on life. I found myself sitting here putting piecing things together, pieces about this amazing guy that I have always had feelings for. Over the last few years, I have found myself avoiding my feelings, telling myself that they no longer existed while making myself believe that all romantic feelings I have for you had been relinquished. I lied to myself to accept that reality of the potentiality that you and I will always remain friends, never exploring the endless possibilities that await us in an unknown future.

I’ve been head over heels for you from the moment I saw you walk into Colours back in 2010, wearing a dark-colored shirt and a pair of jeans with black Air Max ‘90s. You still wore earrings and had hair back then, and I was about 50 pounds lighter lol. My first memory of you is you standing in a dimmed lit room, full of people. When you entered the room it was like you were the only one there. I remember catching a glimpse of you and turning my head, only to turn it back again in the next second. I could not take my eyes off of you. I said to myself, damn, who is this man. I asked my friend your name and from there, I knew I was hooked. I knew from that moment I wanted you. I wanted to get to know you, deeper than those surface-level elementary feelings of puppy love. I was completely intrigued by you.

It wasn’t until a few months later in February 2011, we started to engage on Twitter, somehow moving public conversation and flirtation into the DM’s. From there, we exchanged numbers and I got to finally learn just how truly amazing you were. We texted every single day for the next two years. I remember being excited to come home for summer break, as I was away at school, still attending Prairie View at the time. I still remember the very first time we hung out in person. It was you, my best friend, and I. He fell asleep of course, and we stayed up watching ‘Megamind’ and just talked. I was completely in awe and infatuated with the things I learned about you. This very gentle being, so full of intelligence and passion. I got to know the amazing man that is family-oriented and God-fearing, who always puts God and his family above all other things. You’re funny. You have the most kind and beautiful smile. You love food. You have a huge heart. You’re sensitive. You’re reserved, yet honest. And to this day, you still have the most gentle and warmest touch I have ever known. But the most important thing I learned about you, is you.

To this day, I still get weak in my knees every single time I see you. You are and have always been, the only man to stop me in my tracks as if time completely stops. For a short moment nothing else in the world matters. I still get butterflies in my stomach when you smile at me. When you look at me, it is as if you see the inner pieces of me. You focus in on what I am saying, only paying attention to me and nothing else. Over the years, you have helped me in so many ways, more than you know. You indirectly helped me to overcome heartbreak. You comforted my flaws, always reminding of how beautiful my body is. You helped me to survive when I was a struggling college student. You listen to me when I acknowledge my mistakes, you never judge me, and you continuously provide me with genuine support and knowledge when I am stuck making hard decisions.

Many people may not believe in love at first sight, but I do. I do because I experienced it with you. I knew from day one that you were him. Deep down inside I have always known but to be completely honest, I am not even sure that you feel the same. I also do not know if you read my blogs or if you will ever see and/or acknowledge this letter, and I think I can live with that. I have always believed that if you and I were meant to be, we would be. One of my friends always joked and said, if he were to express his feelings for you, you would drop everything to be with that man. Now to think about it, she was right.

Well, now it is all out there. My feelings are no longer a secret and the universe has learned of my undying feelings for you. I cherish the friendship we have and if that’s all we can only ever have, it is what I have learned to accept and live with. I often tell myself, just because you have feelings for someone does not mean you are meant to be with them. I have always cheered you on and will continue to do so, as you have always done for me, even if that means you are happiest and better off being with someone else. Maybe this is true for me as well. Our paths may never align and maybe, just maybe, the universe sees it fit for us to only remain friends. Just know…

It’s you, it’s always been you… I will always love you.

-Stef